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FADE
IN
EXT.
CHICAGO STREET - MORNING
As we
look down the length of a bustling Chicago street, we glimpse the outline of
the Hancock building and the Chicago skyline in the distance. A biker wearing a
Chicago flag -emblazoned Chrome (tm) bag across his back speeds down the
street. A pedestrian stops to get a Chicago Tribune out of a newstand. As we
float down to sidewalk level, we see the front of a small, but busy
coffee shop. Our gaze focuses in on flyers posted in the window that announce
shows at places like the Empty Bottle, Martyr’s and Metro, we linger on the
Chicago addresses of these venues.
Director’s Note: Did you want to maybe throw in five or six
more references to establish that we’re in Chicago? You know, just in case
anyone’s missed it?
INT.
COFFEE SHOP - MORNING
A
small, cozy coffee shop filled with a diverse array of patrons of varying ages.
Some work busily on laptops, some are engaged in conversation.
A
woman, BACHAEL, of just barely—yes, definitely
no more than 30 and very likely younger, sits alone at a table, intently
focused on the screen of her ancient, once-white-now....dingy, Macbook®. She
wears headphones, but isn't actually listening to any music. At the table next
to her a MOTHER places
her young child, ADA, into a high chair. The child appears to be two or
three, or maybe one year old? The little girl is attempting to unzip and remove
her raincoat. It’s really cute.
Writer’s Note: So, can someone tell me whether or not a
one year old could unzip their own coat? Is that one year old behavior is that
more like two or three? I really have no idea. It’s incredibly hard to tell how
old a kid is if it’s not yours—or, like, if you’re not acquainted with its parents. Director’s Note: Maybe you should
have invested a little time into research. Actor’s Note: Forget all that. My
concern is that my character’s name is Bachael. Writer’s Note: Sometimes a name
is a name, and sometimes it’s more like a stand-in for something else... Actor’
Note: Such As?
Mother
Great job Ada! Do you need help with that?
Ada
(Shakes head)
(sounds
of effort, but not frustration)
Ada
succeeds in unzipping the coat and getting her arms out, one at a time, all by
herself. She very carefully drapes the coat over the back of her high chair but
her tiny little hands and lack of higher cognitive skills make this totally
cute and adorable.
Director’s Note: I don’t know that ‘higher cognitive skills
is what you mean to say here. Also, it would be preferable to have the
characters comment on how cute her behavior is rather than to just state it as
you have here. Writer’s Note: Kids can’t cognate and it makes things they
do cute. I feel like that’s pretty indisputable. Director’s note: That’s not what
cognate means and it’s not a verb.
BACHAEL
INTERNAL VOICE #1 (V.O.)
I
usually don’t like kids, but yours is really cute—Can I say that? Is that a
thing I’m allowed to say?
BACHAEL
INTERNAL VOICE #2 (V.O.)
I don’t
think it is. No, I don’t think you can say that.
B.
INTERNAL VOICE #1 (V.O.)
But I’m
saying that I like
her kid. You know her kid is special—I’m not saying ‘I don’t usually like kids
and yours only confirms my dislike.’ It’s just like, ‘whoa! Your kid is so cute
it—er,--she’s melting my hardened kid-proof heart.’
B.
INTERNAL VOICE #2 (V.O.)
Well,
it makes us sound kind of crazy—maybe even a little bit villainous—it’s
definitely off-putting.
B.
INTERNAL VOICE #1 (V.O.)
Well,
it’s not even so much that I don’t like kids—I’m just don’t find them that cute
you know? I’m not, like, all ga-ga over them.
B.
INTERNAL VOICE #2 (V.O.)
How
interesting that you should use baby talk to express that sentiment.
Actor’s Note: Okay, so wait. She has multiple personality
disorder? This could be pretty rich material! Writer’s Note: No, no, no. She
doesn’t have multiple personalities. She doesn’t believe she’s different people
or act like she’s different people. She just has distinct, and occasionally
conflicting internal voices. Actor’s Note: Hmm. I see. And this
is all supposed to be playing out in voice-over? Writer’s Note: Well, how else are
you supposed to depict Internal voices?
Meanwhile,
the Mother has been cutting up a spinach turnover into little pieces for Ada.
Ada studiously attempts to pick them up with her fork by picking the pieces up
with her tiny, adorable little fingers and using those fingers to stick the
pieces onto the end of her fork. Her attempts to eat like a grown-up are
utterly charming..
B.
INTERNAL VOICE #1 (V.O.)
See!
Look at that! She wants to eat politely, but she can’t quite manage the fork
without a little help. She’s so serious! This is really cute!
B.
INTERNAL VOICE #2 (V.O.)
Aw,
maybe we do want kids someday, after all right?
B.
INTERNAL VOICE #1 (V.O.)
Ack!
No! I just think this kid is pretty cute.
MOTHER
Here
Ada, try a cucumber.
Places
cucumber from her salad onto Ada’s plate. Ada attempts to fork it. Gives up.
Puts in her mouth using her fingers. Makes a little face and spits it out.
BIV1
(V.O.)
Uhoh.
Look at that. I knew she couldn’t be that cool. She doesn’t like the cucumber.
BIV2
(V.O.)
(rolls
eyes)
Actors’ Note: Seriously? How am I supposed to do ‘rolls
eyes’ in a voice-over. Writer’s Note: I don’t know, your’e the actor!
Interpret! Director’s Note: But surely you must realize that V.O ‘rolls eyes’ is a ridiculous piece of
direction? Writer’s Note: Look, I thought we were all artists and
creative types here. Let’s think creatively here! It’s not such a big deal!
MOTHER
What’s
the matter Ada? It’s just like the cucumbers we eat at home, it just has a
little vinaigrette on it.
Ada
gives the cucumber another try and spits it out.
MOTHER
You
don’t like vinaigrette huh?
BIV1
(V.O.)
No, no!
Don’t tell her that! Don’t let her turn into a picky eater! Make her eat it!
BIV2
(V.O.)
Look,
Bachael, kids have very sensitive palates, they have way more taste buds than
adults. She’s prob-
BIV1
(V.O.)
(cuts
IV2 off mid-sentence)
Is
that true? That kids have more taste buds?
BIV2
(V.O.)
I’m
pretty sure I read that somewhere.
BIV1
(V.O.)
I
think someone who was a picky eater as a child made that up.
BIV2
(V.O.)
No, I’m
pretty sure it’s true. So for a little girl like Ada the acidity of the vinegar
is a shock to her palate. It will take some time before she can adjust to
strong flavors like that.
BIV1
(V.O.)
Why
not start the adjustment now?
BIV2
(V.O.)
She’s
only like, 1, or 2, or maybe 3? It’s really hard to tell kids ages if they’re
not yours.
BIV1
(V.O.)
I think
3 year olds can usually talk and I don’t think she can talk---maybe she’s 2?
BIV2
(V.O.)
Some 3
year olds can’t talk in complete sentences yet...
BIV1
(V.O.)
She
can’t talk in complete words yet.
BIV2
(V.O.)
Let’s
say....a mature 18 month old?
BIV1
(V.O.)
18
months is like a year and a half right?
BIV2
(V.O.)
Not
'like,' it is one year and a half, stop playing this 'I'm terrible at math
game, Bachael. It makes us look bad.
BIV1
(V.O.)
Okay,
so she’s like 18 months, there’s no time like now to start killing off those
taste buds right? Get them nice and ready to eat different stuff. If this mom
let’s it slide now, this little girl is going to think “I don’t like
vinaigrette.” She’s going to grow up thinking that her whole life. Then she’s
going to go to places and be all,
(adopts a high-pitched, whiny voice)
‘oh, I
want a salad, but I just don’t like any vinaigrette.” and then then the server
will be like
(normal
voice)
‘okay,
we have a creamy garlic dressing’ and then she’s going to be like
(whiny
voice)
‘oooh,
cream! that sounds fattening! Can I just have the balsamic vinaigrette without
the vinaigrette?’ and then the server is going to be all ‘so ...umm...just
balsamic vinegar’ and she’ll be like,
(whiny
voice)
‘is that like a vinaigrette? because I
don’t like that.’
Actor’s Note: I’m a bit concerned that now we have the
voiced-over internal voices mimicking still other voices all in
voice-over—doesn’t that seem like a bit much to you? Also, how are we going to
distinguish between these two ‘distinct internal voices’? Am I supposed to be
using an accent or something for one of them? Writer’s Note: An accent? Don’t be
absurd! An accent would be a bit much. It seems like a bit MUCH that you used
both ‘voiced-over’ and ‘in voice-over’ in the same sentence! It seems like a
bit MUCH that supposedly creative people can’t think outside of these rigid
little boxes. Stop bombarding my script with your negativity napalm! Actor’s
Note:.... Director’s Note:...
BIV2
(V.O.)
I think
you’re exaggerating things. This seems like a very reasonable mother and a
reasonably well-behaved child. She’s trying some new things now, but she’s not
being forced to eat them. She’ll learn eventually.
BIV1
(V.O.)
I
believe in force.
BIV2
(V.O.)
Umm,
that sounds kind of aggressive when you’re talking about an 18 monthish old
child...
BIV1
(V.O.)
We decided
that’s probably how old she is right?
Ada
(Continues
to fuss and make whiny sounds.)
mmhmmhmhmaaaannnhhh.
annh.
BIV1
(V.O.)
Hmm.
maybe she’s not that cute. All of this noise. I thought she was a nice, quiet
one.
BIV2
(V.O.)
You
know what? I don’t think we’ll be ready for a kid for a few more decades.
FADE
TO BLACK
Director’s Note: Okay, you have to be kidding about that fade
to black after this, ahem, scene right? Writer’s Note: Oh, totally.
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